I have become unable to control my panic attacks. I can’t tell when they’ll start like I could last year and over the summer, nor can I stop them. My anxiety levels shoot through the roof very easily and it takes a lot of effort for me to bring them back to normal, wherever that may be now.
When we had sectionals today, one of the basses (who wants my spot on top bass) kept playing my part during reps and it was stressing me out. It wasn’t helping me control time or make my part better. It made me play so much worse, and it made me panic. I’m pretty sure he could feel my waves of tension because he stopped.
A fifth Clemson student has passed away (whether from natural causes or stupidity) since school started a month ago. The guy that died yesterday was in symphonic band with me. I didn’t know him extremely personally, but he was a very nice guy and would talk to me during practices (he played trumpet). He fell off an upper deck on a cruise ship and had fatal head trauma. Dr. Spede gave us this big speech on how life is precious and how we need to be careful, etc. He said that he’d been numb all day since he heard the news, and it made me realize that I felt the same.
I wanted to cry all day today but I couldn’t because I was on campus and I didn’t have anywhere comfortable to sit and let it out. We’re playing a really slow, beautiful, flowing piece in symphonic that I don’t play on. When the first few vibe chords started playing ringing I had to leave because I was crying having a panic attack. It wasn’t intense or long, but it was hard for me to get out of it. It wasn’t what I’m used to. For the rest of symphonic I was antsy and fight-or-flight driven. My stomach was in a knot and I wanted to keep crying.
It was the first time I’ve considered getting help because of how bad things have become. And I don’t mean “my life is so terrible and I have so many problems,” either, because my life isn’t bad at all. I’ve lost control of the worry, the stress, the panic, the anxiety. I feel it’s starting to become my daily focus and it scares me because I’m not doing it intentionally. My dad tried to tell me how I’m not in this alone, and that I’m like him and stress is the number one thing that causes me to get sick or have any problems, and it’s so true it hurts.
I need help getting control back. I knew how to get myself out of panic attacks last year (sortof), but now it’s become a lost cause. They’ve happened more frequently than I realized.